Funny Jokes And Puns For Kids

Mother, “How was school today, Patrick?”

Patrick, “It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!”

Mother, “Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?”

Patrick, “What school?”

A lady was running to catch a train to Bangalore. She reached the station and was searching for the train.

Passenger: (Asked to the station master) Sir, is this my train?
Station Master: No Madam, this is not your train, it’s railways department’s train.
Passenger: (Annoyed) That’s a good joke. Don’t act too smart. What I meant was, can I take this train to Bangalore?
Station Master: No ma’am, you cannot! This train is so BIG and you can’t take it.
Passenger: Its really funny! Now say me, will this train take me to Bangalore?
Station Master: NO ma’am. The train can’t take you. The train driver will drive it to Bangalore!

The passenger fainted!

Mother knocks on her son’s door, “It’s late. Are you still behind your computer screen playing video games?“
–
The son replies, “Of course not. I’m in front of it.”

During a cold winter day a wife messaged to her husband that “the Windows frozen”.
Husband replied to pour some warm water on them.
After a while husband received a message again “No way, the computer is completely spoilt now”!

A child comes home dripping wet.

Mother: What on earth were you doing?!

Kid: I was playing dog with my friends. I was the tree.

One day a software engineer drowned at the sea. There are many people on the beach and they heard him crying out. But no one understood what he was trying to say. Can you guess what he was trying to say? “F1, F1”!

Teacher: “I hope I won’t catch you copying from Clarissa!”
–
Paula: “Oh, I hope so too!“

Four women living in the neighborhood were invited to a party. They were discussing about the dress they would wear for the party. They finally decided to choose the color that matches with the hair color of their husband.
The first woman told, ‘I will go with red as my husband colored his hair red’
The second woman said, ‘I always prefer black as my husband’s hair color is naturally black!’
The third woman told, ‘Yeah, then I do prefer to go with yellow dress as he has blonde hair!’ (yellow)
The fourth woman was quiet. All the other insisted her about her preferred color.
She said, ‘I was thinking a lot but can’t choose any color, I can’t wear any dress because my husband is bald!’

Mother is waking her son: “Paulie, come, wake up, you have to go to school.”
–
“Aw mom, just a bit more sleep, please.”
–
“No, it’s really high time, now get up.”
–
“But I don’t want to. The children annoy me and the teachers are a complete pain!”
–
“Stop it, now. Get up and off to school with you!”
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“Mom, give me two good reasons why I should go to the stupid school.”
–
“Paulie, first of all, you’re 45, and second, you’re the headmaster.”

Patient: Doctor, please can you help me out?
Doctor: Yes, you may make your way out the same way you come in.

Dad on the last day of school: So, where’s your school report, my boy?

Tom: Sorry, I’ll bring it a day later.

Dad: Why?

Tom: I borrowed it to Kevin because he wanted to scare his parents.

Mona has a beautiful and naughty daughter called Sona. She is very naughty and mischievous. One day, the little Sona with great curiosity asked her mom, ‘Mamma why your hair is turning grey? I don’t like it.’

Mona decided to teach her child about good behaviour and replied, ‘Dear, my hair is turning grey only because of you. Whenever you do any bad action, one of my hairs will turn grey.’

Sona was thinking for a while in silent and laughed loudly. Mom asked, what happened?

Sona replied, ‘Momma now I understand why grandma’s hair is completely grey!’

Teacher asks the student: “Why are you so late?!”

Student: “Well I was crossing the road and suddenly it says: ‘School ahead, go slowly’!”

My mom is really nice and I love her, but when she starts yelling, even the neighbors start cleaning their homes.

Dad: “Most people don’t have to work today, because it’s Labour Day.”
Son: “If they’re not working, shouldn’t it be `No-Labour Day?”

A snail mama goes shopping and asks her snail child: “Should I get you anything?”
–
“Yeah, could you get me yoghurt please?”
–
Two weeks later the snail mama comes back: “Strawberry or cherry?”

Teacher: Class, this morning, we will have only half a day of school.
–
Class: Yaaaaay!
–
Teacher: We will enjoy the other half this afternoon!

Do not go to the bathroom in a dream. It’s a trap!

Grandma asks little Fiona, “Did you have a nice play outside?”
–
Fiona smiles, “Yeah, I was playing pretend and I was a lovely bird!”“Oh that’s beautiful. Did you sing nicely?” says Grandma.
–
Fiona explains, “No, I was eating worms!”

A mother is trying to bring her son to bed: “OK Ronnie, you really have to sleep now. If I hear ‘Moooom!’ one more time, there’ll be no ice cream tomorrow.”

*10 minutes later*

“Mrs. Smith? Can I get a glass of water please?”

Two ants want to fight an elephant.
–
The elephant looks at them: “Two on one? That’s not fair!”

Customer called to Tech support: “my computer is not connecting to Internet”
Tech support: “Ok, which operating system are you using?”
Customer: “Internet explorer”!
Tech support: “No, you just right click on “my computer” and click on the properties menu”
Customer: “what are you saying, this is not your computer, it is my computer”!

A prisoner is finally released, after many years in jail. He stands on the pavement, yelling, “I’m free! I’m free!”
–
A little kid walks up to him happily and joins, “I’m four! I’m four!”

Two mice meet.

“Look,” says one, “I’ve got a new friend!” and shows the other mouse a picture on her mobile phone.

“Oh my God,” yells the other mouse, “that’s a bat!”

“What?! The guy told me he was a pilot!”

Raphael runs to his father and starts talking to him urgently, “Dad, dad…”
–
His father turns to him angrily and says, “I’ve had it with you constantly interrupting me. From now on you’ll speak only when I’ve asked you something!”
–
Raphael thinks for a second and continues, “OK dad, can you please ask me if you’ve forgotten to put in the handbrake and if your car is now rolling down the road?”

Little Johnny asked his mom: “Mommy, where’s Grandpa?”
–
Mommy replies: “Oh, my little boy. We’ve talked about this, remember? He fell down from a really steep ladder and now he’s in heaven.”“Yeesh”, says little Johnny, “that must have been quite a bounce!”

A guy is stopped by traffic police. The police officer asks him to open his trunk – and sees 2 penguins sitting inside. The officer is shocked and says to the guy, “Sir, you’ve got to takes those two to the Zoo right away!” The guy agrees and leaves.

The next day – same place, same police officer – he is stopped again. The officer again asks him to open his trunk, and to his confusion, there are the two penguins sitting again, today with swimming hats on their heads. The officer says, “I told you yesterday that you have to take them to the Zoo, didn’t I?!”

“And I did take them to the Zoo, just like you said. And today we’re going swimming.”

Two snails are chatting on the sidewalk. “I’ll have to cross the road,” says one.
–
“Well, be careful,” says the other one, “there’s a bus coming in an hour.“

Teacher: How come you don’t have your homework?
–
Pupil: I lost it when I was fighting this kid who kept saying you weren’t the best teacher in the school.

Cute little bunny walks into a pharmacy and asks if they have carrot ice cream.

“No. This is a pharmacy. We don’t sell ice cream.”

Bunny leaves. But it comes back the next day and again asks, “Do you have carrot ice cream?”

“No, Bunny! This is a pharmacy. We don’t sell ice cream!“

Bunny leaves – but comes again the next day. And the next day, and so on, until after about two weeks, the pharmacist caves in and personally gets carrot ice cream for the next time the bunny comes.

The bunny does come, and again asks, “Do you have carrot ice cream?”

“Today, Bunny, today we do!” smiles the pharmacist.

The bunny says: “Well then don’t eat it. It tastes horrible!“

A bunny is hopping across the forest and sees a huge pile of poop. The bunny cautiously approaches, puts its finger in it, sniffs, licks lightly and says, “Aha! That’s dog poop. Lucky I didn’t step in it.”

A teacher shows Little Johnny a butterfly and asks, “Well, Johnny, what do we call this butterfly?”

Little Johnny says, “That’s a peacock butterfly.”

“Come on, Johnny, peacock butterflies aren’t green!”

“Well maybe this one isn’t ripe yet?”

Fiona asks her daddy, “Dad, can you write with your eyes closed?”
–
“I believe I could, child, if I tried.”
–
“Excellent, do you think you would like to try it on my school report?”

A boy comes home and proudly announces to his parents, “Mom, dad, the teacher asked the class a question today and I was the only one who knew the right answer!”

The parents are very happy and ask, “That’s amazing Lenny! And what was the question?”

Sticking out his chest, the boys says, “Who farted?”

Little Joe always gets teased about being dumb. One of the favorite jokes is that the kids offer him a nickel and a dime to see which one he chooses. Stupidly, he always chooses the nickel and off the kids go, laughing.

One day a kindly neighbor can’t watch it anymore and says, “Joe, my boy, a dime is worth more than a nickel!”

“I know,” smiles Joe, “but if I keep picking the nickel, they won’t stop the joke and I already got 15 dollars this way.”

Child at dinner table: “Dad, is it OK to eat flies?”
–
Father: “Billy, none of that at dinner table, do you hear me? That’s disgusting!”
–
Child shrugs and keeps eating. After dinner, father approaches the kid: “OK, I’m happy you have scientific interests. Now what was it you wanted to know about eating flies?”
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Child: “Well you had one in your meatloaf, I just wanted to know if you meant to eat it. But I guess it doesn’t matter anymore.”

A plane with 4 people on board is about to crash. The 4 people are the pilot, the president, the world’s smartest man and a ten-year-old. They only have 3 parachutes between them.

The president cries: “I’m the president, people need me to live!” and he jumps out.

The world’s smartest man cries, “I’m the world’s smartest man, I’m needed in the world!” and he jumps out.

The pilot sighs and says, “You take the last parachute, kid, I’ll go down with the plane, that’s my job.”

The kid smiles, “No need, there are still two parachutes left. The world’s smartest man took my backpack.”

Mother to Johnny: “how was your exam, is all questions difficult?”
Johnny: “No mom, all the questions were simple, It was the answers which gave me all the trouble”!

The math teacher asks: You have 2 apples in your hand and then you add another 4 apples in your hand. What do you have?
–
Little Johnny replies: A very big hand.

A customer ordered a cup of coffee in a restaurant! The waiter served the coffee. The customer found a fly in the coffee. He called the waiter.

Customer: How do I drink this coffee!
Waiter: Don’t you know how to drink a coffee?
Customer: Waiter, see, there is a fly in my coffee.
Waiter: Oh yes sir, you are right! There is a fly in your coffee.
Customer: Waiter, I said, there is a fly in MMY coffee (He stressed the word MY)
Waiter: Oh don’t worry sir, the fly won’t drink much!
Customer: Waiter, it is swimming in my coffee.
Waiter: Sir, do you want me to get a lifeguard for the fly sir?
(Annoyed) Customer: the fly dead, it’s irritating!
Waiter: I guess, it doesn’t know how to swim properly.
Customer: How do I drink this coffee?
Waiter: Don’t you know how to drink? I will teach you!

He drank the coffee! And said, this is how you should drink a coffee.

Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?

What is brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on vacation.

What makes music on your hair?
A headband.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He’s all right now.

When do you know when the moon has had enough to eat?
When it’s full.

I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from.
Then it dawned on me.

Where would you find an elephant?
The same place you lost her!

What is a tornado’s favorite game to play?
Twister!

What kind of jungle cat is no fun to play games with?
A Cheetah.

Why did the book join the police?
He wanted to go undercover!

What time does a duck wake up?
At the quack of dawn!

If you need help building an ark, I Noah guy.

What do you call two birds in love?
Tweethearts.

How do we know that the ocean is friendly?
It waves!

Why was the baby strawberry crying?
Because her parents were in a jam.

What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!

Where did the sheep go on vacation?
The baaaahamas

How do you make a lemon drop?
Just let it fall.

What do you call a dinosaur that is sleeping?
A dino-snore!

What’s the most musical bone?
The trombone.

A guy comes to his doctor: “Doctor, please, every time I say ‘Abra Kadabra,’ people disappear.”
–
“Doctor? Doctor?!”

Little Johnny asks the teacher, “Mrs Roberts, can I be punished for something I haven’t done?”
–
Mrs Roberts is shocked, “Of course not, Johnny, that would be very unfair!”
–
Little Johnny is relieved, “OK Mrs Roberts, sorry, I haven’t done my homework.”

Peter, where did you put the sieve?

Sorry, mommy, I threw it away. There were too many holes in it.

Little Johnny: Mom, I have good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?

Johnny’s Mom: OK, let’s hear the good news first.

Little Johnny: I got a B in Math today.

Johnny’s Mom: That’s good! And now the bad one.

Little Johnny: That was a lie.

Little Kenny is about to have a big test and his father says: “You better study real good boy, ‘cause if you don’t pass that test, you can forget that you’re my son!”

The next day Kenny comes home and his dad asks him how he did in the test.

Kenny looks at him and says, “And who are you, dude?”

A boy comes home from school and tells his daddy he got an F that day. The dad gets angry and says he’ll go to school the next day to make things clear. He does, and asks the teacher, “Why did you give my son an F?!”

The teacher calmly replies, “Because it’s not possible to give him a G.”

Little Kevin rides his bike and yells at his mummy, “Look mom, I can ride the bike with just one hand!”
–
He goes by the second time and yells excitedly, “Mom, mom, look no hands at all!”
–
He comes the third time and proudly hollers, “Look mom, no teeth, either!”

A teenage boy is invited for lunch at his girlfriend’s house.

Because he made some bad food choices earlier, he simply has to fart when they’re all at the table.

The girlfriend’s dad shouts at the large dog sitting under the boy’s chair: „Rex!”

Seeing that the father thought it was the dog, the boy is much relieved.

A minute later the boy has to fart again – and again audibly. The father snaps at the dog again: “REX!!”

The boy is relieved again that the father thought it was the dog.

Ten minutes later the boy farts again.

The father shouts: “Rex, come here before that boy craps on your head.”

“Mom, can I play with grandpa?”
–
“No, you just leave him hanging until the police comes.”

Two flies are sitting on a piece of poop. One fly farts and the other fly cries, “Hey! I’m trying to eat here!”

A bird meets a snail and asks, “Where are you going?”
–
The snail says, “To the cherry tree over there.”
–
The bird is surprised, “But the cherries aren’t ripe yet!”
–
The snail shrugs, “Well, and I’m not there yet.”

Teacher: “You got a zero in the last exam.”

Roger: “I don’t think I deserve a zero!”

Teacher: “Neither do I. But I can’t go any lower than that.”

Teacher: Okay class, when I ask you a question, I want you all to answer me at once. How much is six times 3?
–
Class: “At once!”

Father: And, how do you like going to school?
–
Son: Well, the going bit is OK, the coming home bit is fine too, but the time in between kind of ruins it!

Mommy, do you know if God has to go to the toilet too?

No child. Of course not. What makes you think this way?

Well grandpa knocked on the bathroom door this morning and said: “Oh God! Please hurry up!”

Math book. The only place where it’s normal to have 21 melons and suddenly eat twelve of them.

A doctor asks his patient angrily, “Why did you send my bill back, unopened, Mr. Gunrick?”

Mr Gunrick explains, “But doctor, it was you who told me I must avoid any upsets and stress!”

Teacher to Paul: “Wake up, Paul! You can’t sleep in class!”
–
Paul to teacher: “I could actually, it’s just that you’re a bit loud.”

Rosy just got off the flight and reached the baggage area to collect her luggage. She was on a month’s tour to Europe and just returned home. She was very tensed as she could not find her luggage, where she had all the things shopped in Europe. The tensed Rosy approached the officer in-charge and informed him that she arrived from France and she could not find her baggage in the carousel. The officer in-charge smiled and asked Rosy to stay calm. He informed Rosy that they were professionals with expert training and they would find her luggage and hand over it to her.

Rosy was relaxed. The officer in-charge asked her about the color, number of bags, brand etc. Rosy replied.

Finally, the officer in-charge asked her ‘Has your flight arrived?’ Rosy Fainted.

Four elephants go for a walk on a stormy day. They only have one umbrella. How come none of them get wet?
–
Well, did anybody say it was raining?